Forgive me in advance if this post gets long winded or rambles. As you read you may understand why my thoughts are a big jumble right now.
I was in Disneyland this past Saturday, looking for my husband on Main Street, as I was hungry & had told him I would be on the street watching the parade when he finished in the gift shop. I look out a door of the shop to see him motioning for me to come over to him. I'm thinking to myself "damm! Charlotte JUST got to sleep & The Parade of Dreams is going to wake her up. This had better be important." He hands me his cell phone telling me call my mom. There's an emergency at home & she won't tell me about it". We both figured that someone had died, as there are several relatives, my father included, that aren't in the best of health. I retreated into the gift shop to call my mother, her voice was a bit panicked. She told me my dad was in California working & my brother was at a friends house so could I come get her & take her to the hospital. I then had to tell her I wasn't in the state & was at Disneyland so I wasn't able to take her. She asked me why I didn't tell her we were going so I just said it was a last minute thing. I didn't want to tell her I thought she was a nosy bitty & it was none of her business, so I told her the last minute thing instead. asking her what was wrong I heard the panick rise in her voice a bit. She tells me that the growth she has on the back of her head, about golf ball size for the past few years, exploded. It's contents were covering the curtian behind her couch, part of her couch, the entire back of her shirt & had saturated TWO bath towels. She was pulling chunks of green stuff about the consistancy of grissle out of her hair & that she could put her finger inside the hole & felt more chunks inside her head. Then she proceeds to tell me that she was thinking about taking a pair of scissiors to her head to see if she could get more out! That is when I was on the verge of losing it completely! I remember telling her "Don't take sicissors to your head! Keep your fingers out of it! Call Bill! Call an ambulance! Mom if I get home to find out that you have made things worse by sticking your fingers in it or cutting it open with scissors, I will tell you everything I feel like saying to you right now & so help me it WON'T be nice!" Keep in mind I am standing near the door of the main gift shop on main street Disneyland at 3pm & am noticing that there is nobody anywhere near me. I can't even imagine what anybody that heard my end of the conversation was thinking to themselves, not that I honestly care much. I talked mom into calling Bill & telling her I would call her when I returned home on Sunday. As soon as I hung up the phone with her I silently fell apart. I stood next to the door & cried the ugly cry silently as I watched my husband outside with our girls watching the parade. I was SO mad at my mom & SO frustrated because I grew up with her maniuplating me & pushing my buttons. I thought to myself "damm her! She did it...AGAIN!" I was feeling helpless & worrying about her at the same time, KNOWING that she would make every excuse to keep from going to the hospital.
After the parade passed & Bobby took Liz to get Tiggers autograph I called my Dad making him promise to make her go to the hospital if she hadn't gone when he got home from Cali. He did. Less than an hour later he left a voicemail assuring me that Bill was making her go to the hospital & he would call me if it was anything I needed to come home for immediately. That night I hardly slept & when I did had nightmares of my mothers entire head exploding all over her livingroom.
After we finished our visit with Bobs Grandma Marie, I called Dad to get the scoop. That is when I heard it! The news that kids don't ever want to hear. Not death, but the OTHER medical news no child wants to hear. The Emergency Room doctors told mom that it looks like she has cancer. CANCER! WTF! Dad was very clam & matter of fact about it all. Telling me it looks like Squamous Cell Carcinoma, which is a type of skin cancer. He said it is a very aggressive cancer & the survival rate is only about 15% for 12 to 18 months. As I hear this I begin to tear up & try to keep my voice from wavering so my Daddy couldn't hear it. It is a cancer that attacks soft tissue so it being on the back of her head is the best possible location for it to be in. I didn't comprehend everything he said, but I do remember him saying this cancer has a tendency to send off feelers & there is concern about it heading for moms spinal cord. It was shortly after that I told him I needed to go & take care of the baby. The baby was fine, I just knew I wouldn't be able to hold my composure, or what was left of it, much longer. I cried silent tears, so I wouldn't alarm my oldest & told my DH the news. It hit a cord with him because his step father passed suffering from Cancer & Valley Fever. It probably took an hour before I called my Grandmother Gaskins (my Moms mom) to see how she was doing, then my sister, then my mother. I've had crying jags since Sunday & I am having one right now.
From doing a little research on the net, I know it is curable. The Dr.s are hoping that it is encapsulated & that a core surgery will get it all. It will be two weeks before the test results from Pathology will reach the surgeon. Once they do, Mom was told she will have to very dilligent to get the follow up appointments & surgery scheduled. Whether it is cancer or not, the Dr seems to think it probably was, the rest of that substance will have to be removed. There is no way to avoid it.My parents & brother went to the bookstore to take a nutritional approach to beating this cancer. Mom says it feels better than sitting there & doing nothing. Working is difficult for her concentrate on, but it helps. She was supposed to watch the girls for a few hours this Saturday so Bobby & I could go out. I told her if she didn't feel up to it, she didn't have to. She said that she wants to see the girls & is looking forward to it. She said that waiting for the results is very difficult & that she is scared but is determined to beat this. She has to be terrified. I know I am scared & it's not even in my body! I don't know how mom, the family or myself will feel once she gets the results back. All I know is that the family will have to come together to give each other lots of support. In all honestly, I no longer know if this family is capable of doing that. It is sad, but it is also my honest opinion.
Part of me can't help but take the view of "Mom, if you would have had this lump checked into & removed 15 years ago like us kids were telling you too, maybe this cancer wouldn't have grown on your head. Your head or anywhere for that matter!" Part of me is terrified that it will be too late & the cancer will have already spread. Part of me is scared to see my mom go through this at all. Most of me is scared of losing my mom before I'm ready & to have all six of her living grandchildren grow up without their Grandma Tompkins.As much as my mother drives me crazy & pushes my buttons, she is still my mom & I'm not ready to let her go. We don't have a diagnosis yet. If it is cancer, hopefully it will be treatable, localized & will go away with one surgery.
I will post about the Disney trip when I'm in a better frame of mind to do so.
